


hard to air out in deep water

by smallredboy



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Past Abuse, Prompt Fill, Trauma, muslim maria, nonbinary maria
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-17
Updated: 2018-05-17
Packaged: 2019-05-08 01:16:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14683407
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smallredboy/pseuds/smallredboy
Summary: Maria wakes up feeling all wrong. Eliza helps.





	hard to air out in deep water

**Author's Note:**

> a fill for a friend i posted on my tumblr a bit ago. it was really nice to write. 
> 
> enjoy!

Maria wakes up feeling like her stomach is turned upside down. 

She lets out a shaky breath as she straightens up, her girlfriend fast asleep in her bed. She came to her house for the weekend, and it’s Monday, and she slept with her. She’s impossibly warm, her thigh against her own. She smiles weakly at the sight.   
  
She tries to get up, but she’s all off and her hands are shaking slightly. She isn’t sure why— she isn’t sick physically, she didn’t do anything wrong these last few days. Didn’t eat anything bad, did exercise. She should be fine, but this is just a bad day for her.   
  
She stays there, knowing she should get up to make breakfast for her and Eliza. Eventually, Eliza’s eyes open and she wraps an arm around Maria’s stomach, kissing her cheek.   
  
“Hi, baby girl,” she murmurs sleepily.   
  
Maria pulls away, the bad-wrong feeling only exacerbating by the pet name. Eliza isn’t shaken out of her sleepiness, but she still looks kind of worried.   
  
“Something wrong, princess?”  
  
“Stop,” she murmurs, tears pricking at her eyes. All she gets from the pet names are blood roaring in her ears and skin against skin, fingers grabbing at the sheets. “Stop,” she repeats.   
  
“Oh,” Eliza says, eyes a little wide. But she stops, and doesn’t touch her, and just looks at her with concern. “I’m here, Maria.”

Maria looks for her hand, and Eliza takes hers on her own. She squeezes, and Maria lets out a shaky breath. “James…” she starts.   
  
“He’s not here, Maria,” Eliza tells her, pressing her hand against her own. “He can’t hurt you anymore.”  
  
“He’s all I know.”  
  
“Not anymore.”  
  
Maria sobs, it wracking her body, but she doesn’t say anything. All she can feel is Eliza’s hand against hers.   
  
“I’m sorry I’m so fucked up,” she breathes, and she keeps apologizing, and Eliza carefully puts her hand on her elbow. She grows closer, hand in her shoulder eventually. “I’m sorry.” Tears fall down her cheeks, and she just wants comfort, but touch will set her off.   
  
“Shhh, I’m here,” Eliza tells her.   
  
“Why?”   
  
“Because I care about you.”  
  
Maria lets her shoulders relax for a second. “Okay.” She stares at the sheets for what seems like hours and then lets herself fall against the pillows. “God, I feel terrible. I need to make breakfast.”  
  
“I can make it,” Eliza intercepts. Maria raises a brow. “You’re sick and you need to rest. I can bring you breakfast to the bed.”  
  
Maria makes a noise, perplexed. “I’m not sick, I’m just having a bad trauma day.”  
  
“The brain can get sick too, Maria,” she replies, smile so kind Maria thinks she doesn’t deserve it. “You’ve never called in sick for your job, and you seem awful. You need it.”  
  
Maria wants to protest. She likes to feel useful, to make breakfast and lunch and dinner, to clean and to be a good housewife. Her therapist tells her that’s conditioned thinking. Maria could care less if it’s conditioned or not.   
  
“But…”  
  
“No buts.” Eliza flashes her a soft grin as she gets up, putting her hair in a ponytail. While she leaves to make breakfast, Maria takes out her phone to put her memories at bay.   
  
She scrolls down Twitter, smiling weakly when she sees Angelica posted a selfie. She’s stunning as always, and she’s glad that maybe one day she’ll be her sister-in-law. She hovers over the edit button of the Twitter description, the only thing in it “she/they” and her anniversary date.   
  
*25. nonbinary lesbian [she/they]. i love my girlfriend.* She clicks ‘save’ and sighs.   
  
@sapphria: how’d my girlfriend invent being the best person ever  
  
@sapphria: i woke up with the Big Trauma Feelings and she’s making me breakfast rn… i love her  
  
A few minutes later she gets a message from Angelica. She grins at the words of worry, but doesn’t reply and simply scrolls through her apps. She doesn’t want to talk with anybody except Eliza.   
  
After ten minutes or so, Eliza comes back with their wooden food tray; it has three pancakes on a plate, honey on the top, and some orange juice in a glass.   
  
Maria smiles. “You didn’t have to…”  
  
“I did have to,” Eliza murmurs, kissing her forehead. “I’ve been dating you for over a year and I still almost put bacon on your plate.”  
  
Maria giggles, although it’s a weak laugh. “Well, it’s not like I would’ve eaten it.”  
  
“True.” Eliza sits next to her and they’re there in comfortable silence, Maria eating her breakfast and taking sips of her juice. “Do you want me to call your boss?”  
  
“Don’t wanna talk to anybody but you, so yes.” She takes her phone from her bedside table and hands it to Eliza. “I just… remember a lot of things.”  
  
“I know, Maria.” She fixes her ponytail and looks at her girlfriend’s phone. “You can talk to me about it.”  
  
Maria pulls a face. “It makes me feel weak.”  
  
“Then you don’t have to.”  
  
“Okay, Liza.”  
  
Eliza goes to call her boss about her not going there, and Maria lets herself smile. The ghosts of her past might still haunt her, but Eliza sure makes their presence weaker.   
  
She helps with pretending it never happened, except for when she lets herself talk about it. About James’ Islamophobia, about James’ hands all over her, about the bruises she used to have all over her body.  
  
“I wish I was… more androgynous,” Maria murmurs quietly, finishing her pancakes. Eliza pulls the phone down a few minutes later, puts it back in its place. “But I look so *feminine*. And it’s not like I mind most of the time, but I just…”  
  
“Mhm. That’s valid and understandable, Maria.”  
  
Eliza gets up and puts the tray away, grinning at her. “You wanna cuddle?”  
  
“I wanna sleep,” Maria replies. Eliza nods and tucks herself into the bed, kissing her cheek. “Don’t feel like cuddling. It would probably set me off. Y’know how my brain is sometimes.”

“Being touch averse sometimes is understandable, Maria.” She taps her hand three times; it means I love you, for when she can’t say the words out loud without setting her girlfriend off. “I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“Thank you.”

Maria puts her head against the pillow and tries to let herself sleep. Avoids thinking about James, and instead thinks about Eliza. How much she cares about her, how she’s never questioned her religion, how she’s never been terrible to her. She’s incredible, and she doesn’t deserve her.

She taps Eliza’s back three times and closes her eyes, falling asleep afterward.


End file.
